Finding out that your friend is pregnant, especially in high school, can be both an emotional and stressful situation for both of you. It is vital that you understand you don’t have all the answers, nor do you have to. What matters is your support and understanding. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Listen Without Judging
Especially in high school, it is easy to have a “this kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me” mindset. Many young people feel invincible and never expect something like an unexpected pregnancy to happen to them. It is important that they don’t feel like you are looking down on them or judging her for what happened.
- Give your friend a chance to talk and explain their situation.
- Avoid making the conversation about yourself and saying things like “I would…”. Words like those make her feel unheard and unsupported.
- Instead of focusing on giving advice, focus on listening.
Help Her Find Support
You can help your friend find support in a number of ways. For example:
- Encourage her to tell a trusted adult who can help her understand her next steps. This may be a parent, coach, counselor, teacher, etc.
- Offer to help her get in contact with a pregnancy resource center. This may include offering to take her to a pregnancy resource center or help her call the nearest center.
- If she has an appointment, you can offer to drive and/or sit with her there.
These times may feel especially isolating, and having someone there for you can make a huge difference.
Remember that you are not a licensed counselor or parent. Your role is to provide support and help point her in the right direction. As much as you might wish to solve her challenges, you are not equipped with the resources and support a pregnancy resource center would have to help her and her parents.
Give Her Information Without Pressure
Finding out you are pregnant can be an extremely distressing situation, causing immense confusion and uncertainty about what to do next. Your friend may be curious about her options, so help her obtain accurate information. This may include finding a pregnancy resource center, learning about support programs, and other resources. Below are helpful resources:
- For finding a local pregnancy resource center: https://optionline.org/center-locator
- Governmental assistance programs: https://www.usa.gov/benefits
- For pregnancy and women’s health information: https://womenshealth.gov/pregnancy
- For mental health assistance: https://mchb.hrsa.gov/programs-impact/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline
Remind her that she does not have to have everything figured out. Give her time to process, think, ask questions, talk to trusted adults, and others who have gone through similar experiences.
Respect Her Privacy
It is easy to become immensely worried and invested in your friend’s situation, but it is extremely important to respect her journey and decision. All you can do is offer your support, listen, and help her find resources, and the rest is up to her and her family.
Do not share her situation with other people. Her situation is not your gossip or something to discuss with your friends, it is her life and the life she carries within her. Even if you are concerned about her, respect her privacy while encouraging her to reach out to trusted adults and gain access to resources. However if something truly serious may happen, such as talks about suicide, you must contact a trusted adult or emergency services.
Keep Checking With Her
Support should not end after the first text or conversation. Real support requires consistency. Check in regularly, even with a simple text, to remind her that she is not alone and that you are there to talk. You could ask her to go grab coffee, go on a walk, or do something else simple together so she knows that you care.
Avoid overwhelming her with constant questions. Let her know that it is okay if she needs space, but that you are here for her and willing to help. Remember, just as before, listening should be your priority and you should give her the opportunities to share her feelings and experience at her own pace.
Celebrate the small steps with her, such as finding a trusted adult to talk to, going to appointments, etc. These moments remind her that she can do it and does not have to go through this alone.
Take Care of Yourself Too
It is easy to take on the stress of others in life, especially if they are a close friend, but it is vital to take care of yourself. Make sure you can take time for your studies, extracurricular activities, social life, and hobbies. Although this person is a dear friend, their pregnancy should not overtake your life.
Do not make promises you can’t keep or take on responsibilities that are too difficult for you. You can be a supportive friend without taking on their entire situation.
Be There for Her
You do not need to have the perfect thing to say. Instead of giving false reassurance like “Everything will be fine,” let her know that you are here to listen and support her.
Oftentimes, all that someone needs is to know that someone is willing to stand beside them. Being a good friend does not mean solving every problem and having all the answers. Instead, it means listening, offering support, presenting resources and options, and helping her feel confident and capable to proceed in her pregnancy.
By Margot Grad
